Small steps
by Sayuri-2012
Summary: Amanda has been watching Olivia silently struggle ever since she returned to work after her ordeal and desperately tries to think of a way to reach out to her and let her know that she has friends who care. (Friendship three-shot).
1. Chapter 1

1

Ever since Olivia had returned to work a week ago, Amanda had found herself frequently sneaking glances at her as she worked behind her desk, wondering what was going through her head. How she could come back to a job like this after everything that had happened to her, was beyond her, but her respect for her colleague was immense. She had no disillusions that had something like that happened to her, she would be anywhere nearly as together as Olivia appeared to be and she couldn't help but wonder how she might really be coping behind her tough facade. The visible bruises had already healed and she looked good, but Amanda knew as well as the rest of them that some of the scars she had been inflicted with would never heal. Lewis was an animal and even now, the mere thought of him still sent ripples of anger through her that made her desperately want to make him suffer a fate far worse than the cushy jail cell he was now occupying.

She stared at Olivia's face, noting the shadows under her eyes that she had attempted to hide with make-up but which were still visible to anyone who looked carefully enough. She supposed it made sense that it would be at night that her fears were heightened. She suspected that she wasn't getting all that much sleep. She looked exhausted. At least she had her boyfriend with her so she didn't have to go through the long nights alone. She had never really understood exactly what it was she saw in Brian Cassidy, but at least the guy had stuck around. After the trauma she had been through, she needed someone and if Brian was her choice, then really, what business of it was hers?

She knew she was openly staring, but it was hard not to. Olivia seemed lost in thought, a wistful expression on her face as she stared down at the file on her desk, thumbing her necklace, obviously not reading a single word that was in front of her. She had noticed Olivia frequently had moments like this since she had come back to the one-six. Before the attack she had been so focused, so intent on doing everything she could to do the best job possible, but now she seemed hauntingly distracted. The most poignant change that she noted however, was the fact that she so rarely smiled now. She remained at her desk, only speaking when spoken to or when it was directly related to the case she was working on. Amanda had watched from her desk on the several occasions that Amaro had tried to draw her out a little but it appeared he had already given up. It was terribly hard to watch someone disengage like that. She wished there was some way she could do something to help her, but she had no idea what she could possibly do.

She suddenly realised with horror that Olivia had noticed her staring and was looking right back at her, a questioning look on her face. Embarrassed, she turned her head back to her own desk and pretended to be fully absorbed in her work again. She heard the scrape of the chair against the floor and glanced up surreptitiously, just in time to see Olivia disappearing towards the restroom. She felt terrible. The woman had been through enough without having to deal with the probing curiosity of her colleagues. She could only imagine how uncomfortable it must be to have people you worked with and who had previously looked up to you, constantly asking themselves if you were about to fall apart and scrutinising your every move, especially the second you showed any hint of an emotional reaction. She knew she had to say something to try and excuse her behaviour, but what? They got on fine at work, but that was as far as it went. Olivia was such a private person. She realised she actually knew next to nothing about her on a personal level.

She couldn't leave it like that though. She had to try and explain and let her know that she was not sitting there eagerly waiting to pounce the second she should make a mistake but was just concerned about her, as a colleague… as a friend. So apprehensively, she stood and headed towards the female restroom, not entirely certain what she would find when she pushed the door open.

She immediately saw her standing, stooped over one of the sinks, her shoulders hunched and her back tense. Was she crying? Horrified, she froze. Perhaps this had been a bad idea.

Hearing her enter, Olivia immediately raised her head, spinning round to see who had followed her in.

"Rollins." She acknowledged her with a nod.

Noting not without some measure of relief that her superior was not in fact crying and now feeling extremely awkward, she nodded back and then pushed her way into the nearest toilet cubicle, deciding that it would be better to pretend her visit here was pure coincidence, born of necessity rather than anything else. Maybe she could casually apologise for coming across as though she were staring afterwards, make it appear like an afterthought, play it down a little.

She forced herself to pee, glad when she heard Olivia turn on the tap and disguise the fact that she actually had no real need to go, as her pathetic two second burst proved quite clearly.

Flushing quickly, she returned to the sinks and began to wash her hands. She glanced at Olivia, who was touching up some eye make-up and sighed. Maybe she hadn't even noticed her staring? She didn't look too bothered. As she reached for a paper towel, she had already made the decision to just let it go, but just as she stepped towards the door on her way out, Olivia spoke halting her in her tracks.

"It's ok you know. I suppose it's only natural for people to wonder about me."

She cringed. So Olivia had noticed her staring then and what's more she had guessed the real reason for the sudden simultaneous restroom visit.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't mean to be so obvious…" she began.

"Like I said, it's fine."

Amanda watched her as she returned her attention to touching up her mascara. There was just something about her resigned demeanour that saddened her immensely. Olivia Benson was one of the strongest women she had ever known, yet there was a vulnerability emanating from her now that reinforced to her just how unfair fate had been. It would be naïve not to acknowledge that she would never be the same after an experience like that and she hated that aspect.

"You're staring again," Olivia informed her, although her tone was indifferent.

"Oh gee, I'm sorry. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just… I just… every time I think about it – about him – I just…"

"Rollins… don't," Olivia pleaded with her. "I get it. I know you just want to help, but I'm fine, really. I'm in counselling. I'm back at work. Honestly, I'll get through this eventually. Please believe that."

"I've never doubted you will," she said quickly. This wasn't going anything like she had planned. It wasn't supposed to be Olivia reassuring her. She felt like an idiot. It just didn't feel enough though to have chipped in for some flowers the day she had returned to work. They worked together. She felt like she should be doing more somehow.

An idea then occurred to her and nervously she wondered how it would go down. It was something she had briefly thought about before, but until now, she had lacked the confidence to seriously consider acting on it. Maybe it was time to be proactive though. Olivia would never ask anything from any of them. She knew that. Maybe this would be cathartic for her in some way? Maybe it would help her? She knew _she_ would certainly enjoy it.

"Liv," she said firmly, her decision made. "Do you have any plans this weekend?"

"Not yet," Olivia replied, surprised. She obviously hadn't been expecting the conversation to turn in this direction.

"If you're free, I was wondering if you would come with me up state. I need to get some shooting practice in and am looking for company."

"Fin's busy then I assume?"

"I'm asking you."

"Well, that's really thoughtful of you, but I don't know…"

"Please think about it. It would be fun. You know how tedious it gets being surrounded by the guys all day. It could be fun just us girls. We could make a day trip of it."

She watched the older woman nervously, waiting for an answer, not really expecting one in the affirmative, but hoping all the same.

"You know," Olivia said after a short while. "Brian is working this weekend and I have nothing better to do, so why not?"

"Excellent, then it's a date!" Amanda said happily, watching the corners of Olivia's mouth turn up into a slight smile.


	2. Chapter 2

2

Amanda pulled into the shooting range parking lot with a silent sigh of relief that they were finally there and would now have something to do other than make uncomfortable small talk in the car. She had started to seriously question whether this had been a good idea. The journey up had been painful to say the least. She had tried to make conversation, but it had gone nowhere. For most of the ride Olivia had stared out of the window impassively, leaving Amanda to imagine what kind of things must be going through her head. This trip was supposed to cheer her up, but she looked miserable. She desperately hoped shooting some rounds would do something to lift her despondency. Part of her felt a bit ridiculous though for thinking that one trip up to shoot some targets would really have that much of an impact after everything the woman had been through.

"We're here," she announced, despite it being fairly obvious.

"Thanks," Olivia said politely, unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Have you been up here before?"

"No. I usually stick to the official police range in the city."

"Yeah, it's a bit of a trek, but I found it a couple of weeks after I moved to New York and have been coming here as often as I can since."

"It's a nice change to come somewhere different."

Amanda smiled. This was how every single conversation had gone since Olivia had first clambered into her car that morning. She'd say something, her colleague would respond and then that would be it. She wondered yet again if this was really a good idea. They were here now though. She was definitely looking forward to what she had planned. She was a little nervous about Olivia's reaction, but she hoped it would go down well.

They headed across the parking lot and towards the reception area.

"Hey Max!" Amanda called out cheerfully as they stepped inside.

"Mandy!" replied a man enthusiastically. Olivia noted with surprise how much he resembled Elias from 'Person of Interest'. The only differences were that he had slightly more hair and was probably a little bit taller.

"Mandy?" she said with an amused smile.

"How's it going?" Amanda asked the ranch manager, shifting self-consciously at Olivia's overt attempt to tease her about the nickname she in all truth hated.

"Not bad thanks. So is this your friend?"

"Yeah, this is Olivia Benson."

"Nice to meet you," Olivia said, stepping forward and shaking hands with the friendly man.

"Nice to meet you too!" he replied. He turned back towards Amanda. "So you want lot 15?"

"Yeah, we'd like a bit of privacy today."

"Understood," he said with a nod. He rummaged around in the cabinet behind the front desk and withdrew some forms.

Once they had completed the necessary paperwork, he led them outside and instead of heading towards the regular shooting lots, he took them down a path alongside which then turned, heading away from the main building and led towards a row of trees. Once they got behind the trees, there was a clearing which was completely hidden from view. There were various targets dotted around.

"I understand you brought your own pictures," Max said to Amanda.

"Yup, that's right," Amanda told him, ignoring Olivia's questioning look for the moment.

"OK, well you girls have fun. You know the rules."

"Thanks," they replied in unison.

"You brought your own pictures?" Olivia inquired as soon as Max had disappeared out of sight back along the path and behind the trees.

"Yeah," she said slowly, reaching into her bag and withdrawing a wad of paper.

Olivia's stared in surprise as she caught sight of their target, unable to disguise the shiver that ran through her upon seeing his face again.

"I thought it might be some kind of release," Amanda said, watching Olivia's face nervously. She had been afraid it would upset her seeing him again, but she believed shooting at the bastard would ultimately be worth it.

"Amanda, I get what you're trying to do, but this… I don't know."

"Just give it a try," she replied. I'll set up the targets. I brought some regular target pictures too. I just thought this would be a good way to release tension maybe. Personally I'd love to put a bullet in that creep's head.

Olivia smiled. She was almost embarrassed to admit to herself that it was something she had fantasized about quite frequently. Her mind kept returning to how she had been in a position to actually do so but in the end had 'chickened out' as she saw it. She remembered how in that moment her thoughts had returned to her old partner, of the wave of sadness that had hit her as she was reminded of that old but still raw pain, followed by the absolute conviction that he wouldn't have hesitated for a single second to kill Lewis for what he had done to her. At times his unquestioning protectiveness of her had infuriated her, but deep-down she had liked the fact he had cared that much. It made his walking away as he had even less conceivable though. In some ways she hated him. How could he have left her like that? How could he have let that happen to her? She almost wished the photos that Amanda was now attaching to the targets were of him and that revelation took her aback.

She closed her eyes. The past was the past. She had already moved on. She wasn't about to go back there now. He had made his decision. She had carried on. Screw him. What other choice was there? She knew she was just too damn tired to really hate him.

Amanda returned and they began loading their weapons.

"Do you want to go first?"

"No, you go ahead," Olivia said. She still wasn't certain if this was what she really should be doing. It was hard enough to squash the buried aggression she felt towards Lewis, without acting on it in this way. She couldn't help but worry that she would enjoy it a little too much and be in real danger of losing control. The memories of all the humiliating and terrible things he had done to her caused a surge of unease throughout her body. Her hand gripped her weapon tightly and she was all too aware of the way her blood was now pounding through her veins.

She watched as Amanda took her first shot and gazed in fascination as the bullet ripped a hole through his shoulder.

"May as well make the bastard suffer first," Amanda said through gritted teeth. Olivia watched her curiously. She seemed deadly serious. Did her colleague seriously fantasize about hurting him like this?

She felt her own rage begin to surge as she watched the bullets rain on the photo of her attacker. He deserved to die. If anyone deserved that, he did. He had taken so much from her. She couldn't see how her life could ever be the same again. It was just so unfair. What right did he have to do that to her? What right did he have to come into her apartment and ruin her life like that? What right did he have to force alcohol and drugs down her throat, to touch her, to hurt her, to humiliate her? What right did he have to live after doing those things?

She could feel it building, threatening to burst forth as she stared intently at the photo of him pinned to the target closest to her, that image she despised, yet also feared. She couldn't let him remain as an omnipotent figure of her nightmares. She had to do this to show herself that she could face her fear and thereby escape his control. She lined up her shot. Her hands were shaking from the pure adrenaline that was now coursing through her body. She released the trigger, but to her exasperation completely missed. The bastard had escaped the fate he deserved yet again! It was unfathomable. Suddenly overwhelmed by a rush of absolute hatred for him and everything he had done, she pointed her weapon, focusing intently on the target and she fired, barely recognising the ferocious cry that escaped from her own throat as she pulling the trigger again and again and again, continuing to do so long after the bullets had run dry.

She felt Amanda's hand on her arm and looked at her completely disorientated by the strength of her emotional outburst. She allowed her to take her weapon, heard her apologising profusely, blaming herself for bringing her here, muttering that she should have known better, that it was too soon.

"Come on, let's go back to the main building and get a cup of tea or something," she was telling her.

Olivia shook her head.

"Liv, please…"

She caught the look of genuine worry on her younger colleague's face and realised that her outburst had thoroughly frightened her.

Tears welled in her eyes as her anger turned to despondency at her inability to successfully manage her own anguish.

Amanda watched awkwardly, wishing she knew what to say, how to help. She had never felt so completely out of her depth. The pocket of guilt that had been burning within her suddenly seemed to grow exponentially, threatening to literally burst out of her.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her head down. "This is all my fault."

"No, I'm glad we came," Olivia replied quickly.

"I don't mean coming here. I mean everything that happened to you."

"What? How on earth is that your fault?" Olivia asked her stunned.

"I was the one who brought him in," Amanda said, finally admitting the guilt she had been harbouring since the day she had stepped inside Olivia's apartment and confronted the chaotic aftermath of Lewis' presence there.

"You've been blaming yourself for my ordeal?" Olivia stammered, taken aback.

"If I hadn't been playing super-cop and pulled him in none of this would have happened. Alice Parker would be alive, that state trooper would still be alive, Vanessa Mayer's father would still be alive, and you…." She trailed off as her voice caught and she tried to blink back the tears that were now threatening.

"Amanda, _none_ of this is your fault. Do you hear me? _None_ of it. I don't blame you."

"_I_ blame me."

"You can't do this to yourself," Olivia said, clutching her younger colleague's hands firmly as she tried to convey her sincerity. "Every day in our job we make decisions that we think are best. We make them with the facts and information we have at the time. Bringing Lewis in was the right move. He would have done those things anyway, maybe to someone else, but he would have done them. You know that."

"But he wouldn't have done them to you…"

Olivia took a deep breath. It was a question she had asked herself many times. Why her? Why had Lewis come to New York? Why had their particular unit stumbled on to him? Why had he picked her? She had to admit that she had wished that Amanda had never set eyes on the bastard and everything she had gone through been averted, but she knew without a doubt she didn't actually blame her. What had happened was horribly unfortunate, but the only person at fault was Lewis himself.

"None of it was your fault," she repeated firmly. "Do you hear me?"

Slowly Amanda nodded and Olivia watched as a couple of tears escaped and worked their way down her colleague's cheeks. She could feel her own tears threatening and didn't have the strength to fight it.

"How do you really deal with it?" Amanda asked her quietly.

"I don't know," Olivia replied honestly. "I'm just taking it one day at a time at the moment."

Amanda nodded, seemingly satisfied with the vague answer.

"Shall we go and get that cup of tea?" Olivia asked removing her hands from Amanda's and returning them to her sides.

"Sure," Amanda replied with a smile. "I'd better get the rest of those pictures first though, I guess!"

"I'll help you."

Once they had retrieved the remaining target photos, together they slowly headed back towards the main building.


End file.
